(music by Malte Marten, Handpan music)
What does that mean? It means intentionally re-entering spaces or dynamics that once hurt me—but this time, with new tools, insight, and boundaries. The goal is to rewire the way my body and mind respond. I don’t just relive the experience—I redo it with wisdom and strength.
For me, a big part of that correctional work has been learning to engage with men again—safely, selectively, and intentionally.
From Wounds to Wisdom
I converted to Islam at 22, but my trauma started long before that— And unfortunately, my experience in Islamic marriage did not heal that—it deepened the trauma. I wasn’t nurtured, seen, or emotionally safe. I was ordered, shamed, and then abandoned,
I have had to relearn what it means to be in the presence of a man. Not as a wife. Not as someone bound by rules or shame or being threatened with punishments.
Prophet Muhammad said: “When a man invites his wife to his bed and she does not come, and he (the husband) spends the night being angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.” (Sahih Muslim)
and
Prophet Muhammad also said: “I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful.”
In the past, hadith like these had haunted me, deepening my shame and fueling my quest for perfectionism.
But now, showing up as a whole healed woman, I’ve been dating—and I mean truly dating. Dinners, concerts, conversations, mini-golf, walks. Not chasing marriage. Just enjoying respectful company and learning to receive healthy masculine energy.
And you know what? It’s been healing.
A Return to Self-Worth
Being treated like a queen—cherished, not merely tolerated or preached to—felt revolutionary after everything I had endured and watched my friends endure. To be taken out, cared for, and truly seen was more than just refreshing; it was healing.
Traditional dating didn’t just teach me about men—it taught me about myself. I realized how nervous I used to be, how I stumbled through conversations, unsure of how to relate to the opposite sex after years in a strictly segregated religious environment. I often said the wrong things—or shut down entirely.
But I’ve grown.
You know, knowing my value changed everything.
Once the fear dissolved… I learned to see men—differently. I no longer spoke from a place of fear or obligation, avoiding eye contact and hoping I’m doing the right thing. Instead, I now speak with ease and comfort knowing that as a woman, I am just as valuable to God as he is as a man.
And I learned to listen, not just to words, but… to a man’s heart. Men actually have hearts!
And once I could hear that… everything shifted. I began to see things—things most people miss. I could sense what weighed on him. I could tell when he was guarded… or when he was silently screaming for someone to truly see him.
Now, I can spot certain things in a man almost instantly.
And because of that… men often open up to me.
They share the quiet things. The tender things. The things they’ve never said out loud.
And when they do…
I honor them.
I don’t use a man’s vulnerability against him.
I don’t interrupt it.
I hold space for it.
Because when a man lets you see his heart,
that’s not weakness—it’s sacred.
And I treat it as such.
This, I believe, is part of becoming an emotionally healthy woman: not only knowing your worth, but also holding space for the humanity in others—without losing yourself in the process.
The Inner Work
My modesty, my etiquette, my grace—I do thank Islam for that. It taught me dignity, self-restraint, and the value of carrying oneself with purpose.
But my inner healing—my self-love, my freedom from judgment, my ability to breathe—that came from Jesus.
It was Jesus who transformed my heart. Who released me from being hardened, legalistic, and self-critical. Who took the inner struggle and replaced it with peace. And that’s a healing I could never have predicted.
Masculine Energy Without Romance
Not every healing moment involved dating. Some of the most nurturing male energy I’ve received has been in platonic spaces—like the men at church who greet me with side hugs and genuine concern, who ask how I’m doing, who offer help with no hidden motive.
It reminded me that masculine energy doesn’t always have to be romantic or sexual to be healing. Just being seen and honored by good men has been therapy for my soul.
The Formula That Changed Everything
Here’s a powerful practice I learned from my first life coach (and then saw modeled in real life):
When dating, don’t just focus on what went wrong. Look at what went right. Ask yourself:
✨ What did I like about this person?
✨ What quality made me feel safe, seen, or appreciated?
Then write those qualities down. Over time, you build a clear, personal picture of the kind of man you’re truly seeking—based on values, not appearances. It’s no longer “I want someone like Mike or John.” It’s “I want someone who’s emotionally available, or deeply spiritual, or adventurous.”
You strip away the face, and you focus on the substance.
Freedom at Fifty
When I left my marriage, I was told no one would want me. “You’re about to be 50. Who’s going to want you?”
But here’s the truth:
I’ve never been more wanted.
Not just physically—but spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. The right men see me. They value me. And more importantly, I value me.
I’m not who I was three or five years ago. That woman is gone. I’ve been reborn. My standards have changed, my energy has changed, my whole identity has been redefined.
Healing is an Open Door
If you’re in a religious space that doesn’t allow dating, you can still have these conversations—with brothers, cousins, uncles, fathers, or mentors. Ask the men in your life about their views on manhood, relationships, heartbreak, and healing. You might be surprised by what you learn.
Healing from trauma isn’t always about looking inward. Sometimes it’s about reaching across the line, sitting in unfamiliar company, and letting yourself be loved differently.
✨ Journaling Prompt:
What has your experience with masculine energy been like? How has it helped—or hindered—your healing? In what ways can you begin to rewrite that story today?
📖 Scripture Reflection:
“Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?” — Isaiah 43:19
Talk to you soon!
Peace, Shalom and Salaam
Nela
Nela's Nest 
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